Lifshitz's Unique Approach to Pairing
The Science of Building Relationships
Research reveals that
routine is the greatest enemy of the marriage relationship. No other
factor seems to play as central a role in undermining interpersonal
commitment, and in eroding the stability and the depth of feeling in a
relationship. Marriage is undoubtedly the greatest proof for this
claim: Routine is marriage enemy number one.
While universally acknowledged, this truth is rarely addressed. Routine
still remains; it is the element that most fills the marriage
framework. Though they strive to resolve this problem, most couples
barely scratch the surface. Only the most marginal spaces in the
marriage are allocated to delightful experience.
There are couples who endlessly pursue novelty and the search for
excitement, running an incessant anddesperate race to discover new
sensation. What is the reason behind it?
It is the couple’s profound need to break free of (or at least reduce
somewhat) routine's deadening effect on their relationship.
Why not admit to ourselves that this worthwhile goal is hardly ever
attained? Routine does not budge. It grows more and more entrenched, it
further consolidates its hold, until ultimately it commands center
stage in the marriage.
Our study of the science of building relationships focuses on a
systematic investigation of the dynamics of routine. We work to isolate
its distinct components and to understand the specific processes by
which it operates. Our goal has been to discover a way to regulate
routine, to put it to good use, and to circumvent its hazards.
We gratefully acknowledge the role played by the nearly thirty thousand
couples who have helped us to achieve our goals by allowing us to help
Meticulous research into the processes of their relationships and an
in-depth analysis of every element that was successfully applied to
every case has led us to discover and to further develop the methods
that are able to effectively transform the formidable foe.
Manipulated correctly, routine can be turned into a positive and
completing experience. By applying an individualized formula to every
relationship, custom-tailored to every individual couple as explained
below, routine can be put to work and taught to behave as an obliging
The positive, conscious, deliberate manipulation of routine is a skill
that can be learned. Learning this skill then renders the search for
new sensation superfluous, and makes the compulsive quest for new
stimulation irrelevant. The couple may then arrive at their own
individual path of natural, consistent self-renewal. Routine is
“dismantled” at last.
We go even beyond this, a step further: We have actually learned to
exploit the day-to-day existential problems that life is constantly
presenting - to the couple's advantage, in ways that reinforce the
natural connections that bond the pair. What appear to be rough spots,
when properly navigated, can be used to immunize the couple against
future unpredictable sources of stress. This is a process that takes
place automatically among couples who have had the good fortune to
discover their compatibility naturally.
The critical element of spouse compatibility must also not be left to
chance. We do not accept the notion that one must simply hope for good
luck when choosing one's life's partner. A clear picture has evolved
out of over forty years of research and experience in aiding the
pairing process: A formula for success exists.
This is why Sadnat Enosh rejects certain solutions that are popular in
the marketplace, for they offer only broadly sweeping compatibility
guidelines. Popular wisdom prescribes ‘one-size-fits-all’ remedies,
based on generalized theories of masculine/feminine tendencies, many of
these being mere variations on the fundamentally impersonal “Venus
versus Mars” theme.
We seek – and we find – a personalized formula to fit each couple,
because no two couples are alike. Our methodology rests on this basic
assumption of individual couple difference. We therefore scrupulously
examine each side's specific characteristic tendencies and qualitative
features. Levels of need compatibility between both sides are measured
A couple's characteristic features fall into two distinct categories:
The first category defines qualitative features. These are of a
spiritual nature. In this category, similarity is absolutely essential.
The second category defines personality-specific features, meaning
personal and behavioral tendencies. In this category, it is not
similarity that we seek, but rather complementarity.
Compatibility testing must therefore first verify similarity of
qualitative features. Here as mentioned the level of fit needs to be
quite high. As a second step, we test for complementarity of
personality traits. Complementarity is what guarantees that the
connection-forming process will actually take place, in a healthy and
complete way, in which each side is able to compensate for the
inadequacies of the other, enabling both to experience completeness.
Having understood the factors that comprise couple compatibility, let
us gain insight into the actual dynamics of relating. For even with a
compatible couple, there is the inevitable question of conflict: There
is no such thing as a conflict-free couple. However, every couple has a
formula attached to them. If the couple is taught to use their
personalized formula in order to form the connections that will serve
to attach them to one another, and in order to overcome the hazards of
routine, they can then apply this formula to their conflicts as well.
Aided by the specific guidelines of their individualized,
personality-based formula, the couple uncovers the kernel of their
conflict more readily. Misunderstanding clears up sooner, and conflict
is briefer: Conflict very soon gives way to healing encounter.
Well then, the cat is out of the bag. Once fearfully shrouded in
mystery and mysticism, the secret of pairing, of building the healthy,
profound relationship, has been declassified. It is no longer a gamble
if you do not wish it to be.
This perspective on marriage sheds new light on avodat hamidot.
Self-betterment, personal character refinement - all of these efforts
take on new meaning. The profound Jewish concept of the marriage
partner as decreed by heaven can now be viewed differently, in light of
what we propose: No longer the spouse as the heavy burden, the Divine
decree to be borne and suffered. Instead, life with the spouse becomes
a grippingly creative experience -- an investment that is highly
lucrative and richly rewarding.